August 1 2009
Well, gang, this week’s story comes from JP’s Sports Bar.
It turns out that this past Thursday they opened the bar to find that someone had mistakenly walked home with the TV remote and apparently, by way of compensation, had left behind a cell phone.
This caused a problem. The push buttons on the big screen TV had been varnished over when some anxious to please patron had refinished the TV shelf without removing the TV. It was too heavy for a man in his condition to move without tempting the gods.
At any rate, what with the buttons varnished over, the only way to change the channels was to use the remote. And the remote was now a cell phone.
Lance Scott, a real sports fan if there ever was one, asked JP to turn on the TV to see what channel it was stuck on. The channel it was stuck on, was having a special four hour show of the "Best of Lawrence Welk".
"My God!" exclaimed Harvey Bland," Four hours of Mr. Soul himself. Every body on this man’s show can really belt out a tune." He hit the bar in emphases.
Lance Scott looked at Harvey to see if he was serious.
He sure looked like it. Face all lit up and what all.
At this juncture, in walked John Sudsworthy. "Did I leave my cell phone here last night?" He asked.
"Yeah," said, JP. "Give your bookie a call. He’s been trying to get in touch with you all day."
Lance heaved a sigh of relief. With any luck at all, John had the remote in his pocket. He waited as John made the call to his bookie. The patrons were all hushed as John said, "Uh huh, uh huh, yeah sure. No kidding. Really?" And hung up.
He looked at JP. "JP," he said, "I’m up four grand on a long shot. You leave Lawrence Welk on the TV, and I’ll buy the house beer until it’s over."
Lance couldn’t believe it. "Why in the world would you want to watch four hours of Lawrence Welk?" he whined.
"That was the name of the horse." John answered.
JP looked across the bar at Lance, " Hey man, it’s nothing personal. It’s just a matter of business, you know?"
Lance knew all right. He stormed out of the bar into the pouring rain, started his pick-up, threw it into gear, and spun into the driver’s side of John Sudsworthy’s SUV.
He went in and explained what had happened to John."Hell, we can take care of all that stuff later," said John, We got almost four hours of the Lawrence Welk Show left, and I’m buying the beer... Ain’t that great?"
Lance's eyes went kind of glassy. "Great. That’s what it is all right," he said, "Just great." and slowly walked to the bar to order a beer.
And maybe a whiskey too.

Till next week
Helga Biermeister
Secretary